Top 5 Seinfeld Supporting Characters

One of the main reasons I consider Seinfeld to be the greatest sitcom of all time is the seemingly endless series of hilarious supporting characters seen throughout the show’s run.  I like a ton of them, but decided to only list my five favorites.  Many appeared in only one episode (not including the finale), like The Soup Nazi and Bubble Boy, so I excluded them from consideration.  I also excluded Newman, because he appeared in so many episodes (47) he might as well have been a regular cast member.  He’s like the Fifth Beatle of Seinfeld.  So, without further ado, here’s my list…

5. The Maestro
(played by Mark Metcalf)

Having already established a permanent place in the annals of classic comedy with his performances as Niedermayer in the 1978 film Animal House and The Dad from those Twisted Sister videos back in the ’80s, the instantly recognizable Mark Metcalf completed his own three-decade trifecta in the ’90s with his brief but memorable appearances on Seinfeld as The Maestro (a.k.a. Bob Cobb).  The Maestro was the hilariously pretentious small-time conductor who whisked Elaine away to Tuscany while insisting to Jerry there were no rentals available there whatsoever.  His pre-show pants removal technique ensured a perfect crease and was adopted by many of the Seinfeld gang, most notably during a frustrating round of billiards in George’s cramped childhood bedroom.  To his comedic contributions, I say “BRAVO!”

4. Mickey Abbott
(played by Danny Woodburn)

Just about everyone on Seinfeld had a sidekick.  Jerry had George.  The Gay Latin Armoire Thief had The Gay Anglo Armoire Thief.  And Kramer had Mickey, the bearded actor whose tiny body housed a raging temper.  Whether attacking Kramer for his ill-advised suggestion to wear lifts when standing in for a growing boy on a soap opera or reading him the riot act for developing Communist leanings while they worked together as a department store Santa and his elf, Mickey brought non-stop comic energy to every situation.  His reaction when George flippantly called him a midget was priceless, as was the time he and Kramer jostled for position when trying to determine which girl they were each dating.  They may have been mad for Merlot, but I’m mad for Mickey.

3. Kruger
(played by Daniel von Bargen)

The funniest sub-category of Seinfeld supporting characters would have to be the many bosses of Costanza over the years.  Big Stein was a fascinating buffoon throughout George’s stint with the Yankees, and the way George’s boss at Play Now went so quickly from pitying him to intensely hating him was comedy gold.  But none of George’s bosses made me laugh harder or more often than his last boss, Kruger, whose go-to response for just about every situation was “Whatever.”  Upon learning of George’s attempt to defraud the company through a bogus charity called The Human Fund (”Money…for people.”), Kruger insisted upon accompanying George to the Costanza family’s resurrection of their long-dormant Festivus celebration.  Yet while chaos ensued around him, he merely shrugged his shoulders and broke out his flask.

2. J. Peterman
(played by John O’Hurley)

George wasn’t the only one of Jerry’s pals with a history of nutty bosses, as Elaine certainly had her fair share.  Mr. Pitt was a delightfully upper-crust British Magoo, while Mr. Lippman’s many quirks included being so attracted to Elaine that he renounced Judaism.  But the most hilarious of all Elaine’s bosses was the incomparable J. Peterman, who could instantly provide a catalog description off the top of his head for anything (and everything) he saw.  He provided so many side-splitting moments over the years, but the ones I always laugh at without fail are his exchanges with Kramer when negotiating to co-opt Cosmo’s life story for his own autobiography and his numerous cautionary tales about the many dangerous drugs found throughout the Orient.

1. David Puddy
(played by Patrick Warburton)

Kramer and Costanza are undoubtedly the most impersonated and quoted Seinfeld characters, but neither of them have given me as much mileage since the series ended as Elaine’s on again, off again, on again boyfriend, David Puddy.  He’s a Devil-loving face painter, a foreplay-stealing auto mechanic, a kroner-counting jetsetter, a disposal-installing germophobe, a fur-wearing partygoer and a high-fivin’ Arby’s enthusiast.  Am I trying to say he’s a true renaissance man?  ”Yeah, that’s right.”

Facebook Keeps Getting Cooler

I’ve always been a technophile, ever since I first saw an apartment-sized Sperry Rand UNIVAC computer back in the early ’70s at my grandfather’s insurance company. It’s hilarious to think that a five-buck thumb drive today probably has more than 10 times the storage capacity of one of those ancient behemoths. From Atari to Kaypro to GeoCities all the way here to WordPress, I’ve always been fascinated by technology. I’m not smart enough to actually make a career out of it as a programmer or network engineer or anything requiring the ability to mentally form schematic diagrams, but I love playing with techno toys like my iPhone and Facebook.

Even though Facebook’s been around now for a few years, only recently does it seem to have achieved legitimate staying power. MySpace is like a ghost town these days, and rightfully so. Facebook has managed to bring more people together than any online venue before. I’ve reconnected with people I haven’t seen in over 30 years, and still marvel at how amazing that is. There have been several speed bumps on Facebook in recent months, such as the layout redesign fiasco, but nothing seems capable of derailing it.

I really appreciate the fact that they are continually making improvements to the service. One in particular, pictured above, is their addition of separate pages for everything from sports teams to record labels. I found this to be especially exciting, because it enables me to create a unique Facebook page for this here blog (Man, did that ever sound Jethro!). I applaud their continued innovation, and look forward to what wonderful things Facebook has in store for us in the weeks and months to come!

RJ to SA is A-OK

The last time I remember the Spurs making a major offseason trade was 27 summers ago, back in 1982.

I was a gangly 15-year-old in the midst of the cross-country roadtrip from hell with my grandmother and her husband-du-jour. We were at a brief stop at some lake house in Virginia visiting some friends of his I’d never heard of.

Despite the lack of any tangible connection with these unknown Virginians, the scenery alone made it the highlight of an otherwise nightmarish journey. But while there, I also received some breaking sports news courtesy of an obscure young channel called ESPN.

The news was this: one of the biggest sports heroes of my youth, George “The Iceman” Gervin, had been traded to the Chicago Bulls for an imposing big man known as Artis “The A-Train” Gilmore.

In the six years since they were absorbed into the NBA as a result of their 1976 merger with the ABA, the Spurs had been highly competitive. They made the playoffs each of those years, and came within seconds of making it to the 1979 Finals.

But even with the offensive wizardry of The Iceman at their disposal, they could never overcome opponents with powerhouses in the pivot, like Wes Unseld and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. So, as painful as it was to say goodbye to The Iceman, I knew Gilmore gave the Spurs a better chance at a title.

Well, Gilmore definitely had some solid seasons in San Antonio, including some legendary showdowns with Kareem and the Lakers, but he was never able to bring the Spurs a championship. It would take another big man – actually two – to finally take the franchise to the promised land more than a decade later.

Here we are four championships later, and while one of those two saviors in the post – Tim Duncan – remains, his career will soon be drawing to a close. Derailed by injuries to vital cog and team sparkplug Manu Ginobili, the Spurs have watched the past two titles get snatched by fellow perennial powers the Celtics and Lakers.

Thanks to today’s brilliant acquisition of explosive swingman Richard Jefferson from Milwaukee, it looks like a fifth championship could be in their future. Hopefully, it won’t take as long as that trade back in ‘82.

My Son Has Beaten the Odds!

I don’t often discuss too much of my personal life here – not because I have any sort of fixation on privacy, but more due to the fact that this blog really serves as something of a real world diversion for me.  But I just got news that has me so excited and filled with pride that I can’t help but share it.

I have two children, both of whom are boys and diagnosed on the Autism spectrum.  My oldest son, Randy, turned 14 earlier this year and though he functions better than those who are more profoundly affected, he does have his share of significant daily challenges.  Now that he’s hit full-blown puberty, much of what he struggles with has to do with processing his emotions.  He’s doing as well as can be expected, but he will always be in some form of Special Ed throughout the remainder of his schooling.

His younger brother, Brian, will turn seven later this summer.  He’s always seemed to function at a higher level than Randy did when he was Brian’s age.  In fact, we even tried starting Brian out in a regular Kindergarten class when he turned five (literally – the first day of school was his fifth birthday).  Unfortunately, after a couple of weeks, Brian was a bit overwhelmed and the sensory overload was enough to have him placed into a similar Special Ed program as Randy.

My wife and I had previously held onto hope that perhaps he was just developmentally delayed from spending so much time with a moderately Autistic older brother, but this seemed to indicate he was also likely Autistic himself.  We realize other parents face much more profound challenges.  Raising children with Down’s Syndrome, Spina Bifida or other serious disabilities certainly is a much greater hardship, so we definitely feel blessed that our children are relatively healthy.  Even so, Brian’s removal from his mainstream Kindergarten class was quite a blow to us.

Over the past two years, Brian has absolutely thrived during his time in Kindergarden and First Grade.  Though not permanently in a mainstream class with the so-called “regular” kids, his program has been structured to allow him to spend significant amounts of time each day with those kids in the “normal” classroom environment.  He has shown off what he has learned at school by performing many amazing feats at home, many of which involve his incredible computer proficiency.  We call him our little hacker.  Also, he’s been reading at an advanced level, though his comprehension is lagging just slightly.

Anyway, as each school year comes to a close, district officials meet with my wife to discuss the upcoming year’s plans for each of our sons.  Brian had done so well this year, there had actually been some preliminary talk of him repeating First Grade, but this time in the “regular” class.  Imagine our surprise and unlimited joy to learn that the district officials have actually recommended not only to transition him out of Special Ed, but to so do as a SECOND GRADER!

While it’s still almost a certainty that he remains somewhere on the Autism spectrum, it definitely looks as if he is developing into enough of a high-functioning level that he could very well end up leading virtually as normal a life as the rest of us.  Two years ago, it seemed this dream was dashed forever.  Now, hope springs anew!

Both Brian and Randy continue to amaze us with their progress and their resiliency.  And, at least for now, Brian has miraculously beaten the odds.  We are eternally grateful that our prayers have been answered.  If you have kids - no matter their age, condition or anything else - don’t take them for granted and never, ever stop believing in them!

Live Blogging: Rangers vs. Yankees

I’ve set up a second Twitter account to provide a suitable venue for live blogging games and stuff.  It’s @liveblogbob and I’m taking it out for an inaugural test drive during today’s Rangers-Yankees game (which is already 2-0 Yankees in the 2nd…D’OH!)

Anyway, head on over and check it out, if you get a chance…

https://twitter.com/liveblogbob

Are the Rangers for Real?

It’s hard to believe in the Texas Rangers – REALLY hard – because they’ve spent the vast majority of their existence being terrible. A compelling case could even be made that they are the single worst franchise in the history of American professional sports. They have never won a playoff series…ever. In fact, they’ve only won one playoff game in the 36+ seasons they’ve made Arlington home. That’s almost 6,000 games played with only a single postseason win to show for it. This transcends mere futility…it’s EPIC futility.

Looking solely at their own sport, only two other teams have never made the World Series: the Washington Nationals (formerly Montreal Expos) and Seattle Mariners. The Mariners franchise has been in existence for 16 fewer years than the Rangers (who were founded in 1961 as the Washington Senators), while the Nationals/Expos are eight years younger than the Rangers/Senators. And though these two younger franchises share the Rangers’ frustration of never appearing in a World Series, both not only won more than one playoff game, they’ve won playoff series (Expos in 1981; Mariners in 1995, 2000, 2001). To add insult to injury, 10 teams who began play after the Rangers first came into existence as the Senators in 1961 have appeared in the World Series, including eight World Championships.

But that’s just baseball. The three other major sports also emphasize just how pathetic the Rangers have been all these years. Modern football coincides with the Super Bowl era, which began when the first Super Bowl was played in 1967. Only five NFL teams have never appeared in a Super Bowl, four of which have combined for 35 playoff appearances among them. Only the Houston Texans, whose inaugural season was the Rangers’ 30th in Arlington and 41st overall, have never won a playoff game.

In basketball, there are seven teams who have not appeared in the NBA Finals since 1961, all of whom began play after the Rangers/Senators were founded. These seven teams have combined for 54 playoff appearances among them. Only the Charlotte Bobcats, whose inaugural season was the Rangers’ 32nd in Arlington and 43rd overall, have never won a playoff game. The supposed benchmark of professional sports futility, the Los Angeles Clippers, have won 20 playoff games during the Rangers’ existence.

As for hockey, there are 13 teams who have not appeared in the Stanley Cup Finals since 1961, all of whom began play after the Rangers/Senators were founded. Every current franchise has made the playoffs, with the Atlanta Thrashers and Columbus Blue Jackets being the only two who have never won a playoff game. These franchises began play 27 and 28 years after the Rangers/Senators were founded, respectively.

My point in undertaking this rather laborious and overly drawn out statistical exercise was to show just how ridiculous the Texas Rangers have been over four decades. It’s almost statistically impossible to be that bad, yet they have somehow managed to do so. But there just might be hope yet, as emerging from this Mount Everest of damning historical evidence is a young, exciting team with a flare for the dramatic…a team that appears poised to reverse the miserable fortune of their predecessors.

Today is May 17, and we are almost a quarter of the way into the season. This is traditionally the time of year when temparatures in Arlington skyrocket, while winning percentages plummet. Yet here the perennially abysmal Texas Rangers sit at 23-14, having won seven straight to catapult them to a shocking 4.5-game lead in the American League West. Only two teams in all of baseball have a better record than the Rangers right now, and only one (Toronto) in the AL. These aren’t completely unchartered waters, as there have been a handful of decent Ranger squads over the years, but this may be the first time they’ve managed to look this promising with such a young core of players.

Many of these youngsters are making significant contributions to this team’s success. Their big league roster includes 20 players who are age 25 or younger, and another 12 who have not yet reached 30. This doesn’t even take into account the dozens upon dozens of minor league prospects still working their way up through baseball’s top-ranked farm system. The future’s so bright, I’ve gotta wear extra-strength Blu-Blockers.

Will this season’s early success eventually result in this franchise’s first-ever playoff series win? It may not be this year, but it’s definitely coming soon. Believe it.

LOST Thoughts – S5 E16 & 17

Here are my thoughts on the fifth season finale of Lost, “The Incident”:

1. We finally found out the identity of Jacob!  It turns out he’s not Christian or elderly future Jack or even Alpert playing Wizard of Oz.  He’s…some random dude we’ve never seen before.  Given all of the ghostly implications leading up to this, when the opening scene led off with a shot of homemade pottery in a dimly-lit room, I started wondering if Jacob was going to end up being Patrick Swayze.
2. Even though we’ve never seen Jacob before, it turns out just about everyone this side of Nikki and Paulo has – though they certainly didn’t realize it at the time.  Jacob materialized just in time to play their guardian angel so often, the only thing he was missing was Victor French as a sidekick.
3. The shocking part of little girl Kate’s convenience store heist wasn’t that she shoplifted a lunch box, it’s that it was a NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK lunch box.  She seems like she would have been more of a Poison or Skid Row fan.
4. It was nice to see Rose, Bernard and Vincent safe and sound and quietly enjoying retirement.  Didn’t it kind of look like Bernard used the blueprints from Jacob’s cabin to build their love shack?
5. OK, so Ben’s Dad shot Sayid to avenge Sayid’s shooting of Ben, which Sayid did to prevent Ben from gassing his Dad.  Circle of life, indeed.
6. Nobody is better at driving those VW microbuses in rescue situations than Hurley.  The Fat and The Furious.
7. There were so many satifying moments throughout the season finale, but perhaps none provided more instant gratification than seeing Phil get impaled by rebar.  If only Radzinsky could have suffered a similarly gruesome fate…
8. Speaking of gruesome fates, it doesn’t get much worse than Jacob being stabbed in the heart and kicked into a fire.  Nothing sets off Ben quite like being deemed insignificant, except maybe seeing the girl he kidnapped and forced to be his daughter get executed right before his very eyes.  That also made him a little cranky.
9. So, back when the smoke monster brought forth dead Alex to demand that faux daddy Ben follow all of Locke’s instructions OR ELSE, was she doing so knowing that Jacob’s nemesis would later assume the form of Locke in order to have Jacob killed?  In other words, is the smoke monster on Team Jacob, or Team Other Guy With A Rope For A Belt?
10. Now that Jughead (or at least the plutonium-filled thermos extracted from within) has been detonated, what lies ahead for the final season?  Will Oceanic Flight 815 land at LAX without incident, leaving the passengers to go on with their lives having never met?  Will the island now be inhabited entirely by radioactive zombies?  Will Miles and Chang play catch in the backyard?  We only have to wait NINE MONTHS to find out!  Can somebody please turn ABC’s frozen donkey wheel so we can zap forward to 2010?!?

LOST Thoughts – S5 E15

Here are my thoughts on the fifteenth episode of Lost (season five), “Follow the Leader”:

1. The sweatier and more agitated Radzinsky gets, the more he’s only a trucker hat away from becoming Judah Friedlander.
2. I sure was disappointed at how easily Horace was willing to cede power to Radzinsky when he became the Al Haig of Dharma and declared he was in charge now.  And it sure didn’t take him long to employ questionable tactics.  He really should behave more like his sitcom doppelgänger.  After all, do you really think Frank from 30 Rock would ever order Toofer to hit Liz Lemon?  I mean, sure, Donaghy would, but we all know that Ben is the Donaghy of Lost.
3. During the five seasons of Lost so far, Kate has always looked hot no matter how dirty or shabbily dressed she may have been at the time.  Well, she’s finally managed to find an outfit that sufficiently reduces her hotness: the dark blue mechanic jumpsuit.  She’s no Betsy Russell.
4. Sayid must have read my mind, because I’ve been thinking the exact same thing about why going along with Jack’s plan is the best move: either it will fix everything, or they’ll finally all be put out of their misery.  I know Kate’s pissed because she’s suddenly only capable of looking at this as if it were a Stephenie Meyer novel, but she’s not Bella and Jack’s not Edward…although Sayid might be able to pass for an adult version of that long-haired Indian werewolf kid.  (This extremely unfortunate and inexcusable detour into the ridiculousness that is Twilight can and must be blamed on my wife’s obsession with reading vampire books aimed at 11-year-old girls, which has resulted in me being mentally infected with such tween tripe.)
5. Of all the reasons for Eloise to believe Jack that they are from the future and Faraday is her son, why was she finally convinced by seeing her handwriting?  I know The Others have been isolated from the rest of the world all these years, but it’s hard to imagine that with all of the treachery and deceit that’s taken place on that island, they’ve never been exposed to the concept of FORGERY.  Seeing people disappear and then reappear decades later could just be some sort of elaborate hoax, right?  But how could anyone possibly REPLICATE HANDWRITING?!?!?  You MUST be time travelers!!!
6. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but Other Widmore’s hairstyle is just too ridiculous for me to be able to properly focus on his character.  He looks like the love child of Russell Crowe and Bruce Vilanch.
7. Hurley really shines under pressure, doesn’t he?  You’d have thought Dr. Chang was waterboarding him.  “Anybody got the time?”  “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!  OK, DUDE, WE’RE FROM THE FUTURE!!!”
8. Boy, Locke, Alpert and Ben really make quite the wacky trio, don’t they?  It’s hilarious how Ben’s one-liners have been rendered virtually snarkless by Locke’s supremely confident swagger.  Locke has even managed to unnerve the previously unflappable Alpert, who for once doesn’t seem to know what’s going on with the island or even Jacob.
9. Speaking of Jacob, now that we’ve learned Locke plans to kill him, that poses many questions.  Isn’t Jacob a ghost?  How do you kill a ghost?  Is Jacob’s real identity going to be finally exposed, resulting in him exclaiming, “And I’d have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!!!”?
10. For millions of men, being with two beautiful handcuffed women at the same time is a wonderful fantasy.  But for Sawyer, it’s a horrible nightmare.

LOST Thoughts – S5 E14

Here are my thoughts on the fourteenth episode of Lost (season five), “The Variable”:

1. When Penny asked Eloise if Ben was her son, Mrs. Hawking reflexively reacted as if she had just taken a swig of ‘77 vintage Dharma milk.  She no likey the Linus!
2. Exactly how far is it from Dharmaville to the sub dock?  Dr. Chang left his cottage with adult Miles immediately after reading baby Miles a bedtime story, so that had to have been around 8:00 p.m.  When they get to the sub to pick up Faraday, it’s the middle of the night.  Then, when Faraday insists on rushing directly to Jack’s cottage, it’s already broad daylight.  Either it’s a 12-hour round trip by VW microbus, or the island is actually part of the Aleutian Chain during Summer.
3. It didn’t take but one “Freckles” to come out of the mouth of domesticated Sawyer to trigger Juliet’s “hell hath” reflex mechanism.  I love how she just immediately whips out the sonic fence code for Kate, right after shooting Sawyer a look that would have resulted in a brutal rolling pin assault, had this been a Snuffy Smith comic.
4. What happened to cause Eloise to suddenly stop boy Faraday from practicing the piano and insist he immediately become the world’s youngest quantum physicist?  It really seems as if she had just received some sort of directive to do so, right before sauntering into the living room.  The obvious culprit would appear to be Widmore, who just might also be Faraday’s pappy.  If so, exactly what sort of leverage does he have over her?  A set of racy Polaroids, perhaps?  One can only imagine what sort of kinky stuff those two got into back in the day, with nothing more than a tent and an arsenal of rifles at their disposal…I’ll take “Compromising Positions” for $500, Alex!
5. OK, so let me get this straight…Dr. Chang thinks Faraday is punking him with all of his “I’m from the future, catastrophe is imminent,” yet his only response is to tell Faraday to stay away from him.  Wouldn’t he normally consider Faraday some sort of intruder/threat requiring either imprisonment or execution?  I have a hunch that Chang actually believes Faraday, but is putting on an act in front of everyone else that it’s all crazy talk, just so the garden variety construction grunts don’t find out what’s really going on.
6. Why doesn’t Miles back up Faraday when Daniel tells Dr. Chang that Miles is his son as an adult?  He seems intrigued by his dad, but only from the vantage point of anonymity.  It’s not like he’s still sporting the ridiculous mohawk and piercings, which no doubt would have resulted in mocking derision from his father.  I know Hurley’s already done the Star Wars analogy to death, but even Luke tried to forge a relationship with Vader (albeit very briefly) after the initial shock of discovering he was his father.  Sure, Chang’s an a-hole, but so are/were most of our dads, right?  I hope we eventually see Miles reach out to his dad…before Jughead goes BOOM!
7. For being such a genius, Faraday sure is a clumsy idiot when trying to remain inconspicuous.  When he’s not almost knocking Dr. Chang unconscious with a metal canister, he’s failing to grasp the concept of a concealed weapon, by brandishing his gun every time he tries to convince someone he’s just a mild-mannered nerd.  Both the gunfight at the Dharma motor pool and his being shot down by pre-mama Eloise were the direct result of his “Barney Fife meets Bill Nye The Science Guy” approach.
8. Sawyer hasn’t been as forthcoming with the hilarious nicknames since becoming LaFleur, but he really delivered a classic with “Twitchy.”  It’s too bad Radzinsky and the jumpsuit mafia busted in before Sawyer had a chance to bestow a similarly gut-busting nickname on closeted Phil.  Maybe he’ll come up with one for Radzinsky, now that his cover’s been blown.  I was going to suggest “Lefty,” until I remembered that Radz wasn’t shot in the right hand.
9. Faraday’s already plenty creepy as it is, but whenever he starts fixating on little girl Charlotte, my Amber Alert radar starts going crazy.  Where’s McGruff when you need him?  And what made things even more eerie about Faraday’s encounter with little girl Charlotte on the swing was that his speech to her amounted to a relative encapsulation of the lyrics to “Possum Kingdom” by The Toadies.  C’mon, man…don’t talk about death to little girls!  And don’t do it while simultaneously smiling and crying.  Somebody probably needs to fit this pedo with an ankle monitoring bracelet.  He’s about a bottle of lotion, a basket and a tuck away from being Jame Gumb.
10. Back to the Eloise-Faraday mother-son relationship for a second…what was up with her being so mean to his girlfriend at graduation?  I mean, I could understand if Faraday was dating a Kardashian or some equally reprehensible creature, but his girlfriend seemed nice enough.  Certainly no worse than a retired Spice Girl, which is still several steps up the slut chain from the Paris Hiltons of the world.

The 100 Greatest TV Shows Ever

Actually, it’s really more like my personal favorite 100 TV shows, because there are several on this list which don’t belong anywhere near a “greatest ever” list.  I now have a “complete set” of Top 100 lists, as this goes along with my 100 favorite movies of all time, my 100 favorite songs of all time, and my 100 favorite albums of all time.

Here’s the link to the list of my 100 favorite TV shows: http://bobbland.wordpress.com/bobs-top-100-tv-shows/.